I want to band my head against the desk just to make something clear.
I'll have one or two absolutely happy days.
They seen so real, and so perfect, but then its over.
Depression comes flooding back into me, blocking out thoughts I once had.
I constantly quit things I love because I'm giving up on myself.
I-I can't. This just doesn't seem right. How come nothing is fitting together in my head?
I want it to stop. I need it to stop. B-but I don't know how. I don't want to do that to myself.
I'm screaming on the inside, and sobbing on the outside. Just let all these thoughts stop!
I don't want to have to worry about what everyone else thinks. I don't want to go around being a fake!
I'm tired of smiling, I'm tired of laughing, I'm tried of caring! I need to be let free of this life.
And soon my wish will come true. I'll be gone and happy, not having a thing to care about.
Just nothingness, which would feel so much better than this. And I'm sorry if I got close to you.
I shouldn't have. We all knew this was going to happen at some point. Yes, I'm finally done.
Getting yelled at for having no temper
Singing, singing away the trouble.
Singing, singing for a better day.
Pushed down when I learn to stand tall,
kicked when I'm already,
oh but I'm still happier than you,
look at that sick, smug smile,
haha yes you think you can control me,
well guess again my little friend,
you don't get it do you,
push me down and you're just hurting yourself,
i know how to recover but you sure don't
Singing, singing that you'll be okay
Singing, singing that you'll one day learn
You're confidence is oh so weak,
you keep it up with that intimdating cover,
you're angry words, that come from nowhere in paticular
i really don't think you get this at all
yelling at me won't help you at all
i'm oh so sorry, i hope you'll learn,
you've gotta pick yourself up before you throw someone down,
no one thinks you're cool for hurting someone else
Singing, singing that you'll help yourself
Singing, singing that you'll be strong
never lose my temper and more intimidating than ever
i know how to hold myself up high without anyone else
i can dream for myself and decide what to do
headstrong and determined you can't keep me down for long
but oh how you try thinking it'll make you look powerful
no this isn't about power, you don't know your place
and you don't want anyone else to know theirs
the envy is eating up your insides
Singing, singing your eyes will no longer be green
Singing, singing you'll see the beauty in yourself
Singing, singing for you and not me
Singing, singing that everything will work out fine
- Mood:
content - Music:Songs by Theory of a Deadman
vent non-stop to your friends,
punch a hole in your wall.
I'll stay in the shadows and do this myself.
Everyone cracks under the pressure,
while I keep my feelings hidden.
It's work, its nothing personal.
Your not fit to handle my world so just go.
Sit in your laid out, unimaginative world of business,
while I stand strong in the world of art.
Creating music, pictures, books, that you think you understand.
And criticizing them openly, when you could never do anything half as good.
So next time you go to make fun of it, think.
Could you ever do that?
Can you write a song and sing it for millions of people?
Can you write a 600 page book all the words twisted together sucking you in?
Can you paint a picture that will capture the view of the world for thousands of years?
No, I really don't think you can.
So leave us alone, the people who choose to live their life on the edge.
Who create new things everyday completely from thoughts in their mind, something you could never do.
So just stop and live your boring life; and don't be prejudiced because we're different.
1, 2, 3 I'm gone.
And I'm oh so sure you'll miss me very much.
Please, I can see how much I annoy you.
Turning my back on me everytime I start talking.
Then fine, I'll stop.
And when or should I say if, you try talking to me you'll know how I feel.
I'm reaching out to make you and me both happy, but you don't want the help.
So fine, leave me behind, I've been alone before.
I'll dream another day; maybe when I have the time.
I'm saying Goodbye now, incase I don't get another chance.
All this reaching out was a waste of my time.
So if you when you see me again I'm different its really just you.
This is the real me, the one you never saw behind the covers.
Well the covers are gone now and you'll see what I was trying to get out.
- Music:Miss You, Hate You
- Mood:
aggravated - Music:Someone I Once Knew >< My Apocalypse
Dance with me
And we’ll leave this night behind
Spinning up a tornado
Destroying everything else around
The night calls for you, for us,
Wander into the shadows never to return
Can you hear them screaming out in pain
You’re the only one who can save people like us
An angel left in all the despair
Dance with me
And we’ll leave this night behind
Spinning up a tornado
Destroying everything else around
Sing for us and bring us your hope
Even when you want to die you’re there
An eternal light, burning a path through this terrible life
Stay the night with me
We’ll make things right
Prove we belong
It’s not a dying fight
Dance with me
And we’ll leave this night behind
Spinning up a tornado
Destroying everything else around
Give them a show
We’re here to stay and they should know
Never show the mercy we didn’t get
Let them bleed for all our tears
This world was never fair for us
And now we finally get that freedom
Run through the streets, screaming at night
Make them wish we weren’t free
Make a path for them to follow, lead the rebellion
Never give in you represent us all
You’ll find our support in the dark lit streets
In the shadows of overgrown forests
Always there for you
Leave them scared in the ruins behind us
Dance with me
And we’ll leave this night behind
Spinning up a tornado
Destroying everything else around
Their the weakest, and we’re the strength
Time they learn what we mean to them
Never to have survived without us
Dealing with feelings that last a lifetime
Regret is as strong as flames
Vengeance cannot be stopped at any cost
Heaven exists with us and hell with them
Always portrayed the opposite, time to set it right
Dance with me
And we’ll leave this night behind
Spinning up a tornado
Destroying everything else around
[[Dance with me
We’ll leave this night behind]]
- Mood:
indescribable - Music:Blow me Away(instrumental)
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
It’s easier to just end it all,
Dreaming for a better day to come,
But believing it will never happen
Living on empty, broken hopes
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
Gliding by on auto-pilot,
Waiting for something to pull me out,
Bring my attention back to the present,
Watching other lives go by,
Not able to live my own
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
Tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes go by,
Tragedies happen and there’s still no feeling,
Smiling, laughing throughout the day,
Tears spilling out all night long,
A cover so hard to keep up all the time
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
A few seeing through the built up act,
But no one reaching in to save me,
This world doesn’t care anymore,
Whatever happens happens,
Keep yourself on top in these times.
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
Looking through the dirty glass,
Vicariously living, sick in the head,
Body completely dead, but it won’t stop,
Watching the world go on, staying silent in the back,
Laughing at mistakes, living in my own,
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
Surrounded by endless crowds,
Completely alone, forever lost,
Wondering what happens next,
Praying to a god that doesn’t exist,
Knowing nothing is after this for me,
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
It’s all the same to me,
Hiding throughout my life,
Stuck in a grave, rotting away after,
Asking myself which is better off for me,
9 ft. underground sometimes seems so much better
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
So this is the end of the line,
8 ft. under and barely alive
Its 8 ft. up and 1 ft. down
Wouldn’t you choose to go 1 ft. down too
I can see my tombstone now, made up of lies
Shoot myself in the head,
Wish to be dead.
- Mood: indescribable
- Music:I Don't Love you >< Tears Don't Fall >< Helena
Nothing makes sense in my head,
No one thinks I'm acting right.
Thw world is falling down around me.
Friends are angry, not believing me.
But I finally feel complete.
I know what matters, and screw the rest.
I love the way this is turning out.
Throughout the sad I can stand tall, and not break down.
An army couldn't destroy my mood if they tried.
The worst of the worst could happen, but I know how I am.
That's what this is all about isn't it?
Finding you, escaping the pressure of everything around you.
Well, I found myself and just in time.
No one thing could ruin my inner peace.
I don't care what anyone else thinks of who I am.
I am me, and always will be.
I know you all think I'm being someone else,
but you were wrong, not me.
This is me, and nothing can change that.
- Mood: satisfied
&& I think I found out who my true friends are.
Sadly, that means I know the ones that have been lying to me.
Now I'm stuck, because I don't want to screw anything else up fixing this.
How do I say goodbye without them knowing why?
I don't want anyone mad at me, or trying to get even over nothing.
A lot of my old friends won't handle it well, I get yelled at for everything I say.
Do I try saying goodbye and take the risk or stay the way I am?
I have no idea what's right, but I know what I'm going to do.
I'm tired of listening to everyone around me.
I'm ready to take control of my own life, and stop listening to what other people want.
&& if someone gets hurt, I can't be blamed because I'm trying to save myself.
Some things might be easy to change, but most things won't be so clear.
I'm just going to have to follow whatever I think.
And only take advice from the people I know want the best for me.
They have to value my life the way I value theirs to be a true friend.
No more of this, I'd die for you, and you'd leave me to die.
So I love all you who care, and I'm done with the rest.
< 3
- Mood:
accomplished - Music:If These Walls Could Talk >< Not Good Enough for Truth or Cliche >< Taste of Ink
No, I'm not supposed to know a 19 year old girl dying. I'm not supposed to be wanting to do drugs. I'm not supposed to drink. And I'm pretty damn sure suicide notes aren't normal. Really just, why ? Did I do something? Or is it just me you randomly picked to hate, because everyone needs someone to make fun of. No, I don't think its either of those, you just don't care. I bet when I'm not around you forgot everything you've said or thought about me, I'm just another nobody. But when I'm there you feel then need to make fun of me, kill my confidence in every way you can. And I know it's true, I know your friends. You don't talk about me when I'm out of hearing range. Only when I'm in hearing range and you pretend not to know I can hear every word you say perfectly. Each one another stab to the heart, I'm not sure how I'm still breathing. And I expect I won't be forever, not as long as you. So just remember what you all did to me, and don't do it to someone else. I'm hanging on a thread here and it isn't fun. You all watch too, fighting over so gets to cut the last, sinlge, frayed thread holding me up and together. You want to do this to me. So just don't ever talk to me again. I don't want to hear it.
Suffocating under the worlds pressures
Making everyone else’s issues mine
Standing up for people I barely know
Getting beat down all the time
How am I supposed to stay standing
Everything is getting smaller
Claustrophobia setting in
Yet I still do this to myself
Seems harder each time I take a breathe
More pointless to keep on trying
Less like a lifestyle,
More like a torture
Strangled by mine own thoughts
By my own bad behavior
Putting myself in the worst situations
Beaten up so no one hears a rude comment
Defending people who hate me
Impossible to hate anyone but myself
I ask why people hate me
But maybe its because I hate myself
Carrying everything with me
Not able to let go
But always pretending to
Dreaming of a day that will never come
I can’t stop what I’m doing
Because even though I’m dying inside
Other people see me happy
&& are happy themselves
So its destroy them
Or destroy myself instead
I choose their life over mine
But is this really I choice I need to make
I really was trying as hard as I could. Maybe I don't have it in me. Sure, I act like Miss Perfect who can hold herself through the worst, but is that really who I am? All of you who think you know everything still only know my act. Its like another one of my addictions, lying to you all. Maybe I don't even know woh i really am, or maybe I just hate who I am. But I can't stop the streams of lies, and I can't stop doing what I think is better for others. I give up on arguements I'm right about, to hide what I'm really like. I'm leading a secret life like those dramatic tv show people. Only this one isn't fake and I have know escape out of it. Either tell everyone what I'm most ashamed of and afraid of, even thogh its me. Or keep doing what I'm doing. Whatever way I choose, people will still hate me, maybe even more. I'll get ignored just as much, hearing about people hanging out, never being involved. I think I'm just lost. The best days always have the worst endings, like piano hanging by a string, its bound to fall and be destroyed, everyone waiting for that tragic moment. Maybe my life is a show to people, maybe I'm not meant to fit in or have friends. I'm one of those freaks in a circus.
- Mood:
crushed - Music:Hit the Floor ^^ There's a Good Reason these Tables are... ^^ Pas de Cheval
I'm not okay, && I never will be.
So why the hell do I keep trying ?
I think I did it to try to convince myself on other lies that would never be true .
Like the one that people care, they don't !
How could I be so stupid ?
They all care about themselves more .
&& I bet they'd all drop me in millisecond if they wanted or needed to .
Those bitches lied to me, stupid manipulaters .
I just. don't.understand.
The same thing happens over && over .
When am I going to learn ?
Have I ever had a reason to really trust one of them ?
No, but I do it anyway .
I don't know, maybe I enjoy torturing myself .
Telling people my secrets, waiting for them to spill them to someone else .
Don't want to do this anymore, not sure how to stop.
I need a way out of this, if only it were more clear.
If only, if only.....
- Mood: bitchy
- Music:Nine in the Afternoon >> She Had the World
Sometimes, you just need to fake the happiness.
If you do it enough, you can actually start to feel happier.
Because even a forced laugh is better than being all sad looking.
Trust me on this, it really does help to act all normal.
Because well if you act sad, you're distancing(it is so a word!) yourself
But if you act happy lots of people will talk to you still.
So even if it seems hard, its a good thing to do, seriously.
Just don't give up, there's always a bright side, and if I can find it so can you.
Do yourself the favor and fake it even if you're not really happy.
Alright....that was sort of odd. I kind of feel like a therapist now, omfg I'm Dr. Phil !
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:f*cking on the dancefloor
- Music:Kryptonite
- Music:Thunder
But this has happened before,
How do I know I won't just fall harder again ?
Is it just because my dad is gone
and I can't hear him screaming,
Or because I'm faking strength for everyone else ?
I want to learn how to care about myself
I want to feel like I'm worth my own time
People need to stay by me or this won't work.
But I still feel stronger, like this is something I'm meant to do ?
Will it last long enough to pull me out
or am I just about to lose control again ?
Is it being away from judging peers
or not worrying about my grades.
The freedom to do what I want to do,
whenever I feel the need.
To sleep in the afternoon and stay up all night.
Is it fear of what's to come?
Knowing that if I've broken down twice in one week now,
I'll get worse if I don't pull out of this.
Each time I had something to help me geel strong.
Whether it be a promise of a friend
Or my kittens sitting with me till my hope is back.
I don't want this to be an illusion,
I want my strength back,
my contagious happiness everyone felt.
I don't want it to be fake, there's nothing good about that.
I need to act like myself, carefree all the time,
and stop being worried about things that haven't happened.
- Mood:
confused - Music:None actually.
the last time I starve myself.
Never taking pills to numb the feelings again .
I'm changing my life, I'm not ready to die.
I won't try to kill myself again.
I will eat healthy and loss weight the right way.
I will get my grades back to their best, I won't slack.
I will deal with my feelings in constructive ways.
I will get better.
I'm saving myself, but still not with the right motivation.
This isn't about me still.
Its about the people who need me.
It needs to be about me now.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Hundred > 5 Min. to Midnight > Wishes
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