Enlgish 101
Geometry
Study Hall
French I
Lunch
Gym
Biology H
Study Hall(again)
Freshman Seminar D=
Biology H ?
STUDY HALL(they screwed up^^)
Global Studies
Mhm, boring day, very boring.
- Music:Insane the Brain
General:
Name: Paige.
Gender: Female.
Horoscope: Cancer.
Favorites:
Color: Any Warm Color, they just make you happy
Sport: Equestrian (horseback lovies)
Song: Oh geez...Never Too Late by Three Days Grace, I wouldn't call it my favorite but I'll always love it for being something I could relate to and it helped me through my darker days.
Food: Aha, umm coming from the girl who is obsessed with wiehgt I'd say apples. They are yummy and good for you.
Icecream: I happen to love classic vanilla and coffee flavored. Mmm.
Drink: Water. I know I know, how's that a favorite? I like it okay? Don't laugh.
Type of Dress: Fashion ballerina dress. xD I love those ballerina skirts, can't normal people wear them?
Band: Right now I'm very into Placebo, but ask me next week and I'll have a new one.
Subject: Art thank you very much. No I'm not taking it freshman year, I want to get into the flow of highschool before really getting into it.
Book: Ahhh, umm well after I reread things they bore me, but all the Eragon books were okay and Stephen King is an amazing writer.
Zodiac Sign(horoscope): Cancer the Crab ! Lol, I have to love that little crab, it's me !
Memory: I would say that one talk with that one person that entirely changed my life. =D
Animal: Umm...horses and cats and dogs and leopards and panthers. Lol
Body Part: Ohh kinky but I love the eyes.
Other:
First thing you see in a person: Hair and Eyes
What you value most in a person: Personality
Dream Job: Ohh let's see to get my art famous, along with my writing(a novel possibly), and maybe musical talents as well =]
Nail Polish Color Right Now: Black, well dark blue but you can't tell.
Hair right now: Up in a messy pony tail, I was cleaning all day
Pet Peeves: Ohh my, chewing loudly, elbows on a dinner table, labeling, looking at someone else as you talk
Fears: Small spaces, spiders, dolls, and being judged before I have a chance
Loves: Caring People, Self Sacraficing people, Day Dreams, My friends, Make-up
Is Wearing: A t-shirt and short shorts.
Wants: A new zune, more fans on DA, to see my friends
- Mood:
creative - Music:Wake Up, Every Me Every You, Because I Want You
I can live without caring. Yeah I have always been careless, but other's opinions mattered so much. And now it's nothing, I've learned. Accepted the advice I gave everyone and pretended to live by myself. I'm just being myself. And I don't give a damn what you think, it what I think. Yeah, I'm even more narcissistic than before. But that's just who I am so you can deal with it or go get yourself some boring friends. I love to sing badly along to songs and pretend I'm a rockstar. I rock black nail polish because it's sexyy, just like boys and girls are sexy. I'm soo tired of people being homophobic get over it, people are born that way alright ? And there's nothing wrong with it. -_-' Oh and one more thing. Whenever I tell you something mean, learn from it or accept that that's who you are because I don't lie when I call a person a bitch, or a moron, or all those other little insults.
Is it wrong that I'm so open and willing to say what's going on in my life? I don't see what the harm is in letting my emotions out and having people know what my life is like. But people always look at you funny for it, like, "Why are you telling me this?" Some people appreciate me being open and the fact that I don't see anything I talk about as a problem. I just look at everything as my personal challenge and things that I was meant to grow up with. And that everything that happens can only make me stronger. So I really don't see what's wrong with the way I think. See listen to me: I'm might be partially color blind, and I know that I'm ADD, dislexic, and OCD. I also can't ever sleep at night and can go a week on 2-3 hours of sleep. I get punched by a family member almost everyday and I have been in a fight with everyone I have ever met. I find it extremely hard to make friends and can never keep them foro long because no one accepts me fully for who I am and I hate that. I need people who see me as normal and don't care about what I do, they just like being around me. And they don't need to create pointless drama when there isn't any. I'm not really into drama, alright ? And guess what ? There's still more I could tell you about me that would get me weird looks.
- Music:Note to Self >< A Decade Under the Influence >< Love me Dead
The lovely victim who can't be saved,
This is just a little poem that I wrote. ^_^
It's not my best, but I love the idea of it.
So I'm turning it into a song, and it'll be my bestest song yet I swear.
^^Look for that lovely song in the future !
This is me.
I love my life. I really really do.
And I care about you too.
This is where I want to be.
Where everything is fine with me.
I'm free, I'm me, I could just scream
It came true, this is my dream,
I'll rescue everyone,
The depression has not won,
I care about myself,
as everyone should care for themself,
This is my world.
This is my freedom.
This is my love.
This is it.
Alright so I just thought I'd share something that's on my mind that I need to know what to do about. Lately I have had extremely strong feelings towards running away or moving out. I'm a sensitive person even if I don't act like it all the time. I can't stand listening to my parents yelling and occassionally getting hit by them. I have no idea if I am being overdramatic or what. And I listen to my older brothers who have had to deal with them for longer then me and they see all the tension too. They strong and the fighting doesn't seem to phase them. Neither of them have ever gotten hit either. But they don't understand why my parents are still together with how badly they get along. I'm just scared that it's damaging the way that I look at relationships and what I view as normal. As I said before, I've never seen them hug, kiss, or hold hands, and they don't even go by eachother much anymore. I don't know if this is the right enviroment for me to be growing up in. I just want opinions on what to do. If you need more details you can always IM me too. If you don't have my sn leave a comment and I'll give it to you.
I'm back from California. And before then and especially during my trip I think I've gone downhill. I really did need that vacation and I do plan on having L.A. or Newport to be my future home. But what really needed to happen was getting away from my parents for awhile. Which is pretty much impossible on a family vacation, and I rarely use the word impossible and mean it. It's just, they fight so much. I can't handle fighting. And I'm pretty sure they're getting divorced, and if they do stay together its because they think its better for me and my brothers, but it's not. After there fight over vacation they won't talk to eachother, sit by eachother, sleep in the same bed(which was unusual before), and as I think back I have never seen love. It's always hate and yelling, and ignorance. Never a kiss, hug, or simple handholding. Never. No wonder I get so attached to people I love. I don't want to be like my parents. I was raised in hate instead of love, I need it. Which is why I will always love my friends, dead or alive. They provided me with the fuel to survive and I'll always be thankful for that. But now as time travels it seems to be getting hard to find. So if you hear me, send me a shout-out, tell me you care, because old habits are really coming back.
I am not easy to scare. I'm one of the bravest people you will ever meet. But I am absolutely terrified of my life. I've lost people who I thought could lead me through it all and been all alone. Sure being alone builds character and strength, but there's a point when it's too much. I worry about if people will accept me constantly. And when people do I wonder why. If people start talking to me less I can't help but think they hate me now. I can being clingy, obsessive, and annoying. I just don't like losing people, especially in the worst ways.
2. The Rain
3. My Brother
4. Euro Cup[[soccer]]
5. New Make-up Idea
2. Went to my friends
3. Discussed highschool soccer
4. Practiced soccer
5. Highschool soccer camp
Oh all this time how I was kidding myself,
You say that people care,
You say losing isn’t my fault,
I say, “Bullshit.”
You dirty little liar it was always my fault,
The pain, the depression, the agony,
Want to know who caused it for everyone?
ME. Me sitting right here,
What you aren’t going to do anything?
Still believe it wasn’t me?
Well look at you crying at this,
Aren’t you in pain?
Don’t you feel depressed again?
Can you feel the pure agony of what I’m doing to myself?
I think you can.
And so now you understand.
It was never anyone else, it was me.
No, it’s not just the big things either.
It’s those little things, which set off problems later,
A tiny ticking bomb in your head,
That one rude comment,
About how you’re not pretty enough,
Or how you’re not smart enough,
Or maybe how everyone secretly wants you dead.
And you spend you’re time thinking if I was right.
Until you turn into this.
Doubting everyone around you.
Then I’ll be the one saying that people care,
I’ll say that losing isn’t your fault.
And you’ll be the one with your insides squirming,
Screaming, “Bullshit.” at the top of your lungs.
When will it end?
- Mood:
frustrated
And then there's this other bad time for me. Which is whenever I come back from a friend's home, or come back from losing something, like a soccer game. When I finally arrive at my own little house after a long day at a friend's home I can't help but think that they were happy that I left, or that they wanted to be somewhere else that whole time. And it kills me to think, and the sad thing is, everytime I trick myself into beleiving it. To me, it makes more sense than someone enjoying my company. And then there's the losing issue. Everytime I lose something I take all the blame on me. Take this weekend's soccer game for example. I was sick, it was 8:30 am, we had no substitutes on our side, and it was our hardest team. I let maybe, maybe, two people past me the whole game. And made maybe two other mistakes while people all over were missing, falling over tired, or just plain old tired. But who's mistakes cost us the game? Mine did. And I can't control myself feeling that way. For the last minutes of the game when I know we can't come back, I have to hold back the tears. That this game, this one small loss, was all my fault and that people will hold it against me, maybe forever. And this is the mentality that I'm trying to live a normal life with.
- Mood:
contemplative
My friends aren't the only ones I made suffer though. And because I could never say it aloud, I am sorry to my family. I shouldn't have done so many of the things I did. I got into the crowds you said stay away from, I would drink, I would steal, I would self-injure, but I know its wrong now. Never again will I try to numb my feelings like that again. Or so I hope. As any addict has said, rehab is a life long process. You won't always be strong and there will be moments when you want to go back to the old ways. Where nothing hurt you because you didn't open up, and no one judged you because no one knew you. But in those days, you never knew love, real happiness, acceptance, or any other strong emotions, sure that included the bad. But I need to be strong, and know how to survive.
And if I pursure my life long dream that got lost in the depression then I will need all the strength I can get. Writing, art, photography; it all takes emotion and vulnerability. It's not true art if it doesn't show your feeling and you can't let your feelings out without being strong. But my parents are helping me again. They gave me a camera, they praise my writing, they gave me charcoal pencils, they gave me chalk pastels, but most of all they gave my their experience. Raising a child isn't easy and I could only imagine I made it much more difficult than it needed to be. I am not saying my parents didn't contribute the bad I am too, but everyone has their flaws. I accept the fact the made mistakes, but hopefully their mistakes were small and I can stay stronger than the rest. Because if you released a lawyer into the world of art they would be lost. Lawyers don't show emotion in their cases, it's all fact coming through a strong voice. But the person underneath is weak and fragile, needing to stick to their clearly laid out laws that they know all the twists and turns of. But an artist has no rules, no safe place, no privacy. You need to proud of who you are, and be headstrong. That is they way I have been raised, that is they way I will always be, and if you accept it thank you, if you reject it screw you. It's your problem not mine.
< 3
Finally being myself.
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:She is ^^ Until the End ^^ Wack! ^^ Paralyzer
I'm done with you for real this time bitch.
I can't believe you. You talk like your my friend, and when you see me doubting you, you fake it for a bit. Well now you don't even do that anymore. I can't stand you. It takes every bit of my self restraint not to punch you sometimes. I'm tired of being lead around on a leash. You're bad for me to be around. And not drugs and drinking bad, you're really killing me. You put all this stress and drama on my back and watch smiling, waiting to see when I'll crack. I'm not being your little pet anymore. Get someone new to use.
- Music:Hello Lonely >< Since You've Been Gone
I want to band my head against the desk just to make something clear.
I'll have one or two absolutely happy days.
They seem so real, and so perfect, but then its over.
Depression comes flooding back into me, blocking out thoughts I once had.
I'm constantly quit things I love because I'm giving up on myself.
I-I can't. This just doesn't seem right. How come nothing is fitting together in my head?
I want it to stop. I need it to stop. B-but I don't know how. I don't want to do that to myself.
I'm screaming on the inside, and sobbing on the outside. Just let all these thoughts stop!
I don't want to have to worry about what everyone else thinks. I don't want to go around being a fake!
I'm tired of smiling, I'm tired of laughing, I'm tried of caring! I need to be let free of this life.
And soon my wish will come true. I'll be gone and happy, not having a thing to care about.
Just nothingness, which would feel so much better than this. And I'm sorry if I got close to you.
I shouldn't have. We all knew this was going to happen at some point. Yes, I'm finally done.
Getting yelled at for having no temper
Singing, singing away the trouble.
Singing, singing for a better day.
Pushed down when I learn to stand tall,
kicked when I'm already,
oh but I'm still happier than you,
look at that sick, smug smile,
haha yes you think you can control me,
well guess again my little friend,
you don't get it do you,
push me down and you're just hurting yourself,
i know how to recover but you sure don't
Singing, singing that you'll be okay
Singing, singing that you'll one day learn
You're confidence is oh so weak,
you keep it up with that intimdating cover,
you're angry words, that come from nowhere in paticular
i really don't think you get this at all
yelling at me won't help you at all
i'm oh so sorry, i hope you'll learn,
you've gotta pick yourself up before you throw someone down,
no one thinks you're cool for hurting someone else
Singing, singing that you'll help yourself
Singing, singing that you'll be strong
never lose my temper and more intimidating than ever
i know how to hold myself up high without anyone else
i can dream for myself and decide what to do
headstrong and determined you can't keep me down for long
but oh how you try thinking it'll make you look powerful
no this isn't about power, you don't know your place
and you don't want anyone else to know theirs
the envy is eating up your insides
Singing, singing your eyes will no longer be green
Singing, singing you'll see the beauty in yourself
Singing, singing for you and not me
Singing, singing that everything will work out fine
- Mood:
content - Music:Songs by Theory of a Deadman
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